


Downward Spiral

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Bodily Fluids, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Female Characters, Hand Jobs, M/M, Masturbation, Multi, Oral Sex, Self-Harm, Vaginal Sex, Vanilla, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-27
Updated: 2012-12-05
Packaged: 2017-11-15 03:52:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/522840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somewhere along the way, the vision is lost, the strain simply too much to endure. This is the escape, the plunge, and the climb back to the top. When things are the lowest of the low, who is it that will come to save us?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own or represent Dir en grey. I make no money from the writing of this. I do not claim any of this to be truthful. I do not condone the use of drugs and this is not meant to be a positive look on them.  
> Comments: Inspired by “This is gonna hurt” by Nikki Sixx. Kyo’s opium setup: http://i47.tinypic.com/34ya69j.jpg  
> Beta Readers: gothic_hime  
> Song[s]: "My Sweet Prince" by Placebo

Kyo’s POV

Maybe it wasn’t the smartest idea I’ve ever had… or perhaps it was. Only time will honestly tell. But the way it makes me feel, the things I get from the time I’m gone in that universe that it creates… those are the most priceless of things. I’m using it as a tool and nothing more. It’s not a habit… it’s not an addiction. It’s a tool for my life and my career, with the added benefit of the fact that I can see everything so much clearer now.

My brain is a place that sucks me in and holds me there, a place filled with the dirty and the depressing. But this… this helps me find my way in a place that is otherwise but a foggy haze of a life that may or may not have been worth living to start with. Each time that I find myself here, alone in this room with nothing in my mind except the blessed silence, I feel almost thankful to be alive… thankful to exist.

Smoke filters through the room, the scent of incense heavy on the air to cover the smell of what I’m doing. The last thing I want is to be caught, for someone to find that I’m using this as my outlet, as my way of finding the right words and the right emotions when I’m overwhelmed by my own. In this place that I create, I can find my way… I can sort out the things I need to and place them neatly in a little white row.

In my haven, anger and pain do not exist. I have no desire to release my pain in the ways so many have condemned me for in the past. My old wounds are healing and I’m mellower than I’ve ever been before. The others… they say I’m healed… that I’m doing fine. If only they knew that it was taking this to manage it, I wonder what they’d say. Would they judge me for my actions or would they accept that this is better than what came before? Somewhere inside me, I know it’s not the right answer, but it’s the only one I have right now.

The smooth wood of the pipe feels so nice between my fingers, so pure and untarnished. I lift it to my lips and take in another drag. It’s almost sweet… but not quite, more like the incense in the room. Or perhaps it’s just the incense that I’m tasting. I’ve never done this without the cover of it.

I lay my pipe on the tray, picking up the last rock of opium and placing it back into the little chest of drawers that I have for it. I forget where I even picked this up, but somewhere along the way, I found it, lost in the back of some antique shop and I fell in love. Maybe it was the setup that drew me to using, maybe it was finding that last rock still inside it after I pried open the tiny little drawers. I’ve never been one to turn down a signal and finding such a thing on a whim purchase only fed the belief that this was where my life was supposed to go. I haven’t looked back since then… haven’t turned away for the past few months.

As I lie here on my bed, only the lamp light from outside spilling into my room, I realize that this is the most calm I’ve ever felt in my entire life. My thoughts exist on a momentary basis, coming in and floating away with the next breath. Even my basic needs are put aside in these moments, only my breath and my heartbeat existing in this space inside my mind. 

My hand slides over the cover of the leather-bound book at my side and I flip it open to the ribbon-marked page, reading the last line of the lyrics I have been struggling with. I slide the gold pen out from the side holder and place a single, thin line through the last few words, replacing them and adding another line at the end. It’s perfection. Glorious perfection and it is so very easy, so worth the price of this drug in my system.

Satisfied that what I’ve written is golden, I close the book and pick up the little tray, placing it on my nightstand before curling up on my side, using my arm as a pillow as I stare out the window next to my bed. I’ll exist a while longer in this place with no pain. It’s certainly not euphoria, but it’s gentle… calming… a place where nothing can hurt me and not a damn thing in the world matters except this moment. It’s a place built for a mind like my own, a room with white padded walls without the suffocation of a straitjacket to go along with it. This is my asylum.

**To be continued…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: "Tell Me Goodbye" by Big Bang

Die’s POV

Some days are easier than others, but some hurt me to the very core. Today, I suppose we could label as a good day. For one, I’m sober for the most part, nothing to hold me back or tie me down. I’ve had three cigarettes today, but nothing more than that. No alcohol to get me through the day.

I know I’ll just end up right back in the same hole again the next time something happens to me, the next pain that comes. But right now I’m better than I was before. And for that, I should simply be thankful.

Maybe I should explain. I had finally found love… or at least I had thought I had. This girl and I hooked up – she’ll remain nameless for now – and she was nothing short of amazing. We hit it off right from the beginning. She didn’t mind the long stretches of time I was gone, didn’t argue when I told her that I wasn’t going to explain every single minute of where I was at when I was on tour, that she’d just have to trust me. And she was okay with that. 

We were together four years, almost to the very day before things got fucked up. She told me she wanted things to go further, that she wanted to make it completely official between us. She wanted to get married and move in and I had to explain to her that I didn’t mind her moving in, but I wasn’t ready for marriage just yet. I didn’t think a family was the best idea for us right then. There was no way I could support a family like this, almost always gone and on the road, and I didn’t want to be that dad and husband that was never there.

She threw an absolute fit over it, to the point that she picked up the guitar I kept at home and smashed it on the wall, screaming at me that I was the most horrible person in the universe and that I needed to understand what the real world was like. It was like watching the monster come out of the sweet girl I’d come to know and love. I watched her go from okay with all I’d said to hating me for every single word of it in a whirlwind-second.

That was the end of it for me. I don’t take people getting violent when they get angry lightly. I’ve been that person before and I stopped it a long time ago. But to be paired with someone that does it as well would be a horrible mistake on my part. I need someone that will argue over the stupid little things and move on, not someone who wants to scream. Because god knows I can’t keep my own shit together in that situation.

I asked her to leave and told her that we were over. She left, but not without breaking a few more things on the way out. Given the type of things I have in my home, she ended up with a little over a hundred thousand yen in damage. But at least it was all replaceable. I threw out everything that reminded me of her and deleted her from my phone and my email, wiping her from my life.

For the first week, I honestly thought I was okay. I went through the motions of being a human being, of being normal. But slowly, it began sinking in that she was probably the only person in the world that would lie to me and tell me that she was okay with my life, with my career and my habits. See, I’ve always been of the opinion that you don’t go into a relationship and want to change someone. You deal with who they are and if it works, then good, if it doesn’t, then you leave. I won’t give up my life for someone else and they shouldn’t for me.

It all grew to be too much for me by the second week and I found myself going home every single night and drinking until I passed out. The next tour came and I found myself making reasons to go and get completely wasted. I ended up in the bus some nights, a bottle and a half of Jack and at least four beers in my system. The mornings after were always hell, my hangovers lasting until about the time of the next show and I could feel them looking at me, all of their eyes on me like I was the disgrace of the group. And that alone hurt me even more, drove me further into my madness.

It’s been three weeks since we got home and I’ve pulled myself back out again. It’s not the first time I’ve done this and surely it won’t be the last. But… I can handle it. Maybe one day my liver won’t be able to, but for now, I can do this. Some nights I’ll drink to sleep still, but it’s not what it was on this last tour. The pain is fading away and the memories don’t hurt so much anymore. Maybe… maybe soon I’ll be ready to go out again, to at least find myself someone for a night.

**To be continued…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: “Red Soil” by Dir en grey

Kyo’s POV

I’ve been floating through my life for the past while. I simply exist between doses of my sweet nectar, and I don’t even hesitate to find that lovely white cell I’ve created in my head right when I get home each night. It’s never been easier than this to live… to be me. I can smile like I mean it again. The wounds on my chest have fully healed and I find myself _alive_ at long last.

The only drawback I can find is that when I go without it for longer than usual, I start to feel almost desperate to have that feeling inside me again. I tell myself whatever I need to hear and I find my way to get what I need. No one seems to notice. I take it as a plus that I’m not different enough on the outside for them to notice. It’s just everything inside me that turns to dust without it.

If I take a step back and I look at my life before and after, I find that this is a better me. People are friendlier towards me, more people want to be around me and talk with me. I feel less like crawling into my own self-induced hell when I’m confronted with new situations. Hell… we did a little public thing yesterday and I took it all in stride… and I actually showed up. I think that may have scared management more than anything else ever has.

Somewhere outside this situation, I know I’m becoming dependent. But… is that really so bad? I’m surely not the first to use something like this as an inspirational housing. It just so happens that it gives me more positive effects than I ever originally intended it to. As long as I keep up a steady dose… I’ll be fine.

Though, at times, I honestly feel like someone knows. Like there’s another person looking into my white cell and seeing that I’ve shoved the bloody mask of who I used to be in the corner. I don’t know who the someone is or why they’re staring, but I can feel it prickling down my spine sometimes. I won’t let it bother me. They haven’t said a word to me and until they do, I’m obviously not enough of a problem for them to deal with it.

 

**To be continued…**


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: "D.L.N." by the GazettE

Die’s POV

The scent of sex is on the air and I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed a smell more than I am right now. The way she moves under me, the feeling of her legs squeezing tight around my hips as I thrust into her, all of it is so incredible. It’s like being inside heaven. I shift ever so slightly, my foot bracing on the bottom board of the bed in this hotel to give me a little more leverage. She’s so slick and hot around my cock, her walls gripping me so tight. Perfection. At least for this hour of my life, I can pretend it’s perfect, pretend everything is going exactly how I want it to.

One arm curls under her body, holding her closer, the other trailing down from her breast, across her abdomen, and then down below, slipping between wet folds to find her clit. I tease her into a frenzy, her body arching, leaving her neck exposed to my mouth and I eagerly take what I’m given, licking and sucking at the expanse of pale skin. I’ve needed this… needed the connection of sexual pleasure. Perhaps it’s my true addiction, some people are utterly addicted to sex, to the point that it’s a detriment in their lives. And I admit, it has been for me in the past, getting caught overseas with random girls, a few claiming they’ve been knocked up by me even though I’m always careful.

She cries out under me, pulling me from my thoughts, her walls clenching around me and then spasming in quick little bursts. This is exactly what I was aiming for and a smirk spreads across my lips as I move my hand from between us, pressing it to the bed for extra leverage as I speed up. The bed protests, squeaking with every single thrust I make, the headboard slamming into the wall. I’m sure the people in the next hotel room are loving this; they’ll probably have security here any minute to stop us.

That thought spurs me on and I thrust into her body eagerly, groaning and throwing back my head in complete pleasure as I feel my orgasm ramping up on me. A few more thrusts and I pull out, reaching down and jacking myself off for the last few strokes before I cum, filling the condom with every ounce of my release. I stay there, hunched over her for a moment, trying to catch my breath and get my wits back about me.

Finally, I peel myself away and go drop the condom in the toilet, flushing it, and then cleaning up my dick and my hands. I rinse my mouth for good measure, knowing as much as I wouldn’t mind tasting her for the next few hours, maybe people around me don’t want to smell it on my breath. By the time I come back out of the bathroom area, she’s dressed and sitting on the side of the bed, still looking flushed from her orgasm.

I’m a bit sad to see her getting ready so fast. I never know if it’s because they know I’m busy or if I’m not good enough for them to want more of it. My ego deflates a little bit and I grab my own clothing, pulling it back on. My shirt is still in my hands by the time there’s a knock on the door. I sigh and go to open it, frowning a little at security outside my door.

“Sir, we were called about a disturbance in this room. Is everything okay?”

I can feel her come up behind me, peering around my shoulder at them. “Yes, it’s fine. We’re sorry… and we promise we will not be making any further noise.”

The security guard frowns and looks around to her. “Ma’am, are you okay? Are you hurt?”

She’s a bit more blunt than I was, rolling her eyes. “We were fucking. Now we’re done fucking. And don’t worry, we’ll be taking our leave soon, so no more noise for them to worry about.”

He looks shocked and mumbles something that sounds vaguely like good night before he’s off down the hall. She pats my arm and laughs. “First time I’ve had the security called on me for a fuck.” She winked. “Sign of a good one, I guess?” She smirks and slips out the door. “See you around… or not. Up to you.” And with that, she’s gone.

I watch her walk away and I know I’ll never see her again. That’s how this works. I find a random girl, fuck her, and then she walks away. Right out of my life. And just like that, the high of the sex is gone, worn off and I’m left with nothing again, just that dull ache inside and the pain in my heart.

I get the rest of my stuff together and leave the hotel, paying the bill on the way out in cash, and then heading off to another bar. Maybe the rest of my sorrows can be drowned there.

I’m halfway to the bar when I get a call. It’s Boss, calling to invite me over for a few at his house. I don’t even think about it, just telling him I’ll be there soon and hanging up.

Almost twenty minutes later, I’m in his living room, downing shot after shot with him, the both of us intending on getting hammered. He’s always been one to allow us our cravings and not expect us to foot the bill. Which, some months is a blessing. I have part of my paycheck taken away and put in a fund I can’t touch until my career in this band is over. It makes it easier to not end up in the crowd of people who can’t afford shit once they leave a career behind. I was the first to do it, the others following suit after I explained why. So hopefully none of us will end up dying alone in a gutter.

Boss nudges me a little and I glance at him. He’s holding out a joint to me, a wicked look in his eye. “C’mon, Die. You’re the only one who’ll ever share with me. I’ve already had one tonight, don’t need both all by myself.”

I sigh a little and take it from him, taking a hit off it and holding it in. I let the smoke escape after a moment or so and sit back in my chair. Maybe it is what I need right now, just to relax for the night. He doesn’t ask for it back and I don’t hand it back to him either. It’s one of the dangerous things about me. I don’t need much coaxing to do something, even if I know I shouldn’t. I’ve done a hell of a lot of things in my time just because someone talked me into it.

A soft sigh leaves me and I close my eyes, taking hit after hit before I finally hand him back what’s left. He just takes it from my fingers and I can hear him taking a drag of it as well. With a little chuckle, I murmur, “That was just a cigarette, right?”

He laughs and pats my leg. “Right.”

“Good. Because I’m a good boy, you know.”

“Keep on telling yourself that.” The scrape of his chair when he stands up sounds far away and I realize I’m on my way to just falling asleep on his couch. I don’t even care. If this is what it takes, then so be it. He’ll wake me up when he’s tired of hearing me snore and I damn well know it.

 

**To be continued…**


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: "Low Man’s Lyric" by Metallica

Kyo’s POV

I know it’s not usually like me, but being on this makes me do things I didn’t used to do. Tonight, I find myself in a strip club by will rather than by force. Kaoru and Shinya are opposite me, sitting on the other side of the stage and they both seem eager to get on with the show. Shinya’s been fiving this girl all night, just one of them. The others he gives a dollar to. Kaoru’s an equal opportunity kind of man, his bills going to everyone who comes out. But the look on his face… it’s like a science project to him, he’s viewing the pussy in his face like it’s just something new to look at and catalogue. For once, I see who I usually am on someone else’s face.

But tonight, I’m actually getting involved in this. My cock has been hard for the past hour and this one girl has been eyeing me and trying to get me back in the VIP lounge for most of that time. The problem is, I don’t want to be _that_ guy. The guy that gets back there and bangs the fuck out of her. But god, it’s like desperation in here. Usually, I find amusement in it, but nothing more. Tonight, I understand why people get frustrated with strip clubs. It’s all blue-balling and it reeks of sexual tension in here.

I can’t even control it as I get to my feet. I have no idea where I’m going or why, but I know I’m done sitting here with my cock so hard it hurts. I’m going to solve this one way or another. Maybe I’ll just go home and solve it, I don’t know. But sitting here isn’t helping anything.

Shinya’s giving me an odd sort of look. Maybe he noticed my erection. I mean, it’s not too subtle in these track pants. Perhaps I should have worn jeans tonight. But then again, I never expected to have this issue while in such a place. I never have before, so why should tonight have been so different? I slip past them both, giving Shinya a good glare for the sake of it. Fuck this place and fuck it all.

I think about going to the bathroom to work it off, almost get all the way to it before I decide otherwise. God, I’m a rockstar, I shouldn’t have to pay for sex. So there’s no way in hell I’m going to pay a stripper to suck my cock or let me fuck her sloppy wet pussy in the back room. No… I’ll find my own fuck my own way. I slip outside, into the cold and damp night, and pull out my phone.

I scroll through my contact list for almost ten minutes before I realize… I’ve never been the kind of guy to have a backup booty call in my phone. I’ve never needed it before… never wanted it. And now, here I am, still fucked up from my last hit on the opium pipe, my cock hard as a fucking rock, and only my hand to give me what I want.

Then it hits me. Maybe I can just ask Die. He always used to have a few extra girls to offer around. Maybe he’s still got a few numbers I can give a try. I text him before I can think on it and change my mind. _’Horny as shit, need a good lay. Any chance you got a spare number floating around in that phone of yours?’_

It takes him maybe thirty seconds to get back to me. _’You’re joking. Is this really Kyo? Because if this is one of you guys pulling shit on me, it’s not funny.’_

I smirk a little and turn on the camera on my phone, take a photo and send it to him along with a short message. _’It’s me. I’m fucking hard up. You’re the only one I know who might have a number at this hour. Blame Kaoru, he took me and Shin to a strip club and my dick hurts I’m so hard.’_

He’s fast about getting back to me and blessedly there’s just a name and a number. Naomi. Before I can change my mind, I click on it and make the call. She answers on the last possible ring and her voice is like silk.

“Hi, Kyo. I was expecting your call. Die tells me you want a little something-something, yeah?”

I wince a little, feeling like I’m calling up a prostitute or something. But I reply anyway. “Just a fuck, nothing more.”

“He didn’t give me any other impression. Let me know where to be and when and I’ll be there.”

I give her my address and tell her half an hour before I hang up. I text Die back as I flag down a cab. _’Thanks, buddy. I owe you one.’_

_’You bet. Don’t worry about it. It’s the first time I’ve ever had to hook you up and I’m glad to see you getting some.’_

I sigh a little and crawl in a cab, giving the driver my address before pulling up Kaoru and Shinya’s numbers and texting them together. _’Sorry, going home to get some ass. Have fun getting blue-balled.’_

Less than ten minutes later I’m at my house, quickly getting a condom and some lube out, putting them on the nightstand by the bed. I debate to myself what I want to do. Maybe it’d be nice to get the whole set of things tonight. It’s been a good long while since I’ve had sex. I smirk to myself as I go about washing up my dick in the bathroom. No point in letting her get the stink of the day, it’ll be nicer for her this way and then she’ll be nicer to me, I’m sure. It’s just how it works, if my dick isn’t unpleasant in her mouth, then she’ll suck it longer.

The doorbell goes off and I rush to button up and get to the door. I step back and let her in. She smiles at me and I can feel her eyes sliding up and then down my body, sizing me up. That part makes me a little uncomfortable. Then again, so does the fact that she’s a good three inches taller than I am.

“He didn’t tell me you were so damn good-looking.”

Oh blessed be. Someone that doesn’t know who the fuck I am. It’s a rare breed and I have to give Die credit that he didn’t send me some fangirl who wanted to fuck me because of who I am. I give her a facsimile of a smile and shrug a little. “He didn’t tell me a damn thing except your name.”

She laughs and pushed the door shut, since I’m still stupidly holding it open. She flips the lock and then steps out of her heels, lowering her about an inch. Okay… less intimidating, that’s good for my ego. For a split second, I wonder if Die chose the shortest girl in his black book for me.

“Have you fucked him?” I don’t know why I ask, I just do. At least I have the decency to grimace once the words are out of my mouth.

“Kyo,” she pushes me against the wall and reaches down to grope at my still semi-erect cock through my pants, “do you really want to know that? Or would you rather just fuck me?”

I groan, my hips bucking into her hand. Yeah… oh yeah… I’d rather just fuck her, that’s for damn sure. I don’t need to know if Die’s dick has been where mine is about to be. That might ruin it; getting sloppy seconds after your bandmate and friend. Awkward wouldn’t begin to describe that, I suppose. 

“Suck me.” It’s not a question and it’s obvious she doesn’t take it as one either. She’s on her knees in a red-hot minute, her hands unbuttoning my pants, freeing my cock. One long-finger-nailed hand reaches to stroke me into full hardness. “My, my… you are aroused, aren’t you?” She asks me, her eyes glittering as she peers up at me. I just grunt in response and she laughs softly. “Let’s see if we can make you cum at least twice tonight.” With that, her mouth is on my cock and I don’t think I’ve ever experienced heaven quite so fast before.

She’s obviously an expert at this and enjoys it quite well. Because she’s not hesitating to take all of me, even though I know I’m well down her throat at points. Even when my hips push, she just lets me. Eventually, she pulls back and whispers out, “C’mon, Kyo, fuck my mouth until you cum. You know you want to.”

I take the opportunity, knowing most people will never let you do that. It’s not often a man gets to fuck a girl’s mouth with all he has. And I’ll take what I’m given when I’m provided it. She opens her mouth and I push my dick in, feeling her tongue sliding along the underside. I slide in all the way to the hilt, pushing her face against my crotch. After a moment, I shudder and start to fuck her mouth, my cock sliding in and out of the wet warmth she’s offering me. It feels amazing and she’s sucking at all the right times.

It doesn’t even take me five minutes before I’m done. I thrust into her mouth a few more times, my hand gripping her hair a bit violently. I pull out at the last possible second and grab my cock, jerking off desperately as I splatter my load all over her face. She just closes her eyes and lets me do it, moaning softly as it hits her on the cheek, over the bridge of her nose, and right over her lips. Some of it drips down on the carpet between us and I realize just how fucking long it’s been since I blew a load. There’s a lot of it and it’s thick, sticking where I put it at. I use the head of my cock to smear it over her cheek, getting some absurd pleasure from that act alone.

Finally, pull back and chuckle a little, wiping it off her lips and sucking my finger clean. “Come on. Let’s go to the bedroom.” She opens her eyes and looks up at me. I can see the surprise in her face and I can’t help the smirk. “What? Expected me to stick it in your mouth and be done?”

She pushes herself to her feet and shrugs a little. To her credit, she doesn’t respond to me, just letting it be as she comes down the hallway after me. I pause at the foot of my bed and get rid of my clothing, pushing my pants off and taking off my shirt. When I turn around, she’s letting her skirt fall to the floor, the rest of her already bare. I take in the sight that greets me; firm breasts – real and not fake, just the way I like them. She’s slim, but not overly so, just the right amount of pudge so she’s filled out and has something to hold onto. I note that she’s trimmed and not waxed, also to my preferences and I find it sort of amusing that Die must know my penchants rather well to have done this so accurately.

I motion to the bed and she crawls on it, lying down on her back and spreading her legs. It’s quite the sight; that perfect pussy nestled in short little black hairs, just waiting on me to take advantage of it. I slip between her legs and push them up and over my shoulders, crouching on the bed. Our eyes meet up the length of her body for a moment before I go to work.

That first taste is always the best, not knowing how this girl will taste and then finding out. I let out a groan against her and she replies with one of her own. My tongue delves in deep to taste her better, thrusting into her passage in a mimicry of my cock. I move on, pulling away a bit and just lapping my tongue over the folds of her pussy, a gentle teasing of the outer lips. I’ve always found that it drives a woman mad, makes them want more if I show them what I can give and then take it away for a minute. This one is no different, she starts whimpering and begging after no more than a minute, her hips bucking. “That’s right,” I hiss softly before my fingers gently open her up to me, two holding her passage apart so I can get to her clit and my middle finger of my other hand delving into her slick, tight pussy. I fuck her with my finger as I swirl my tongue around her clit. Her whimpers get louder and I get a little more diligent, flicking my tongue over her quickly. Her legs start to tremble and her hand lands in my hair, tugging as she pushes up toward my face.

I take in a good breath and go for it, knowing this is where I’ll need to get a bit lightheaded for her. I push my mouth against her fully, letting her get some leverage on me, my finger fucking hard and deep, knuckles hitting her a bit harshly. But she likes it, her cries telling just that much. It’s a few more moments, my finger brushing over a slightly different textured part of her, tongue doing double-duty on her clit, and then she’s gone, screaming as she starts to cum. Warmth dribbles down my chin and I give her clit a good suck as she bucks against me, her walls spasming around my finger. 

As soon as she slumps back, I’m over her, not even bothering to wipe my mouth or anything. I grab my condom and rip it open, sliding it over my now extremely hard cock, and then push into her. I don’t ask permission, I don’t wait on anything. My dick needs to be inside her and it needs it now. There’s nothing soft or gentle or waiting in what I’m doing. Rather, I fuck the hell out of her, the bed creaking as I thrust so hard. Everything’s so pent up and I love going down on a woman so much that I’m already so goddamn aroused I know this won’t last long at all. But it doesn’t matter, she’s still crying out under me like she’s still having her orgasm and I know if I push it hard enough, she’ll cum again.

She grabs for me, her hands coming to scratch lightly down my back. Not enough to even raise welts, but enough for me to feel it, and it spurs me into overdrive. I fuck her so hard, she huffs out a breath every single time I thrust. A few more moments and I’m gone, my cock pulsing as I start filling the condom with my load. I pull out and push one finger back inside, the other working her clit hard and fast. She cums not even thirty seconds later, screaming out my name.

Spent, I sort of flop back on the bed and halfheartedly take off the condom, tying it up and tossing it into the trash bin beside my bed. She lays there for a minute, catching her breath before she sits up, though a bit shakily. We just silently regard one another for a moment and then she asks, “Are we… you know?”

I just nod a little and she gestures toward the hall. “Can I clean up?” I nod again and she gets up, picking up her clothing on the way, and heads into the bathroom. For my part, I use some wet wipes I keep in the bedroom to clean up my face and my dick and then put my clothing back on. I find my phone and text Die. _’Dude… I owe you one for that one.’_

All I get back is a winking smiley face and I have to smirk on that one. I guess everyone needs to fuck once in a while and I suppose I’m lucky enough to have gotten some so easily. Though… I do wonder how I’m going to feel about it tomorrow.

**To be continued…**


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: "Coma White" by Marilyn Manson

Die’s POV

Here we go again. It’s the whirlwind that is us on tour. I can never quite help myself once we’ve been gone for a while and especially when I’m heartbroken. I hate to admit it, but I still feel the burn from my girl leaving me. It’s been almost two months and I’m still aching inside. I guess that’s just how it goes, isn’t it? Some heartaches take longer to get over than others. Maybe there’s some you never quite leave behind.

The hours drift by in this club. We played well tonight. I know I only messed up once and it wasn’t even something noticeable. Ever Kaoru didn’t ream me for it, so it was just something I know and he didn’t notice. I feel rather proud of it, actually. So proud, I think I’ll celebrate in style. There’s been these two girls eyeing me all night. Maybe I’ll try something I haven’t in years. See if I can draw them both in together.

I take another swallow from my fifth beer of the night and put it down on the counter. I should do this now or I’ll end up with a bad case of whiskey dick. First things first, I approach the first girl, a brunette in a red tank top that doesn’t bother to hide that her nipples are hard as rocks. I slip my arm around her waist and lean in close to her ear, lips brushing the shell of her ear. “What’s your name?”

“Sumiko,” she responds and her voice sends shocks straight to my dick. Yup… that’s still working.

“Well, Sumiko, I have a proposition for you.” She tilts her head a little and I chuckle. “You’ve been watching me all night like you want me, am I right?” She nods and I continue right along. “That’s good because I want you, too.” I shift a little toward her and let her feel the fact that my cock is starting to get hard in my pants. “But see… I have this problem.” I turn her a little so she can see the girl across the bar in a tight red leather outfit. “She’s been looking at me the same way for the past few hours. And see… I want you both.”

I half expect a drink in my face for that one, but instead she just nods. “Okay. For you, anything.” And I realize at that moment, that she knows who I am. But it’s too late to back out. This will be one for the books, I guess. I’ve always been bad at picking up the girls who don’t know who I am when I’m on tour. Maybe it’s because any Japanese chicks end up knowing me and any white chicks that want a Japanese boy are always our fans. I pat her lightly on the lower back. “Meet me out in the back, ten minutes.”

She peels away and I head straight for the other girl, who thankfully hadn’t been looking at us during the exchange. I slip up behind her just the same, my arm resting on her back and my fingers sliding up under the hem of her shirt. She leans back into me with a breathy little sigh. “I’ve been waiting on you,” she purrs out to me and I smirk. This one will be easy.

“And I’ve been waiting on you.” I lean in closer, making sure to push myself against her just enough to show her my intentions. She pushes back toward my cock and I know I’ve got a fiery one on my hands here. “How do you feel about there being a third in our little party?”

She shrugs a little. “That’s how rockstars roll isn’t it?”

I almost curse under my breath. Two all at once. I’m sure they’ll be comparing notes later and I’ll regret the rumors online. But fuck it, this is my night to be a bad boy again. I deserve it after four year of fidelity only to get cut off at the knees. I steer her toward the back door and I see Toshiya watching me. I give him a wink and he smirks at me, giving me a thumbs up.

I’m outside quick as can be, the other girl peeling herself off the wall and joining us. I don’t hesitate to put my arm around both of them, leading them to the curb. The one on my left flags down a taxi and I slip into the cab along with them, floating on this feeling inside me.

It’s not long before we’re at a hotel, one of the girls saying it’s her place. I pay the driver, remembering to tip him since we’re in America. We get out and go inside, but not before I know two girls on the sidewalk have recognized me. Well, that’ll be on the internet in nothing flat, I’m sure.

We get inside and up to the room faster than I expected, and the moment we’re in the door, both girls are all over me. I have one untying my boots, the other tugging my shirt over my head. Well, at least they want me, I suppose. Before long, I’m naked and both of them are undressing each other in front of me, shooting me sexy looks over their shoulders.

I make my way around them to the bed and slide onto it, reaching to stroke my cock. “Come and give me a show, girls.” They don’t even hesitate, they just pile on the bed and the one who’d been in the leather shoves the other back on the bed. For about the next twenty minutes, I watch some pretty raunchy girl-on-girl action, just stroking myself every once in a while when the urge gets too strong. They both orgasm at least twice and finally, I motion both of them to me. I push the bigger breasted one’s hair behind her ear and silently urge her down on my dick. She does as I wish and starts to suck my dick.

The other girl, I get close enough to me that I can touch her, fondling her breasts and her clit when I feel the urge to do so. Well before I feel like cumming, I have them switch off. I’ve always been an equal opportunity man, after all. Neither one complains and the second girl takes my dick in her mouth. She’s far better at this than the first one and I’m glad I did this in this order. I start making out with the other girl and she moans and grinds against my hand as I fuck her pussy with my fingers. She takes four of my fingers; it’s really a bit impressive.

The girl on my dick urges me toward orgasm maybe faster than I’d originally intended, but hell, I know I can’t go forever. The last few seconds are heaven, my hand on her head, pushing her down on my dick while I thrust into her mouth. And then bliss as I explode in her mouth. She doesn’t pull back, just swallowing what I give her.

I bring the girl I’ve been fingering off quickly after my own orgasm and for a few minutes, we sit there in a sort of post-sex haze. A few more minutes pass and then one of them takes out a makeup bag, laying out a mirror, a razorblade, a short straw, and a little baggy of white powder. That’s my cue to get the hell out of here.

I pull on my clothing and thank them for a night well spent. They offer me some coke, but I turn them down. I’ve tried it once in the past and I hated the way it made me feel. Not something I’ll ever do again. Really… I’ve never been big on repeating things that aren’t pot. I’ll try anything once and in moderation, but never a lot.

They let me go without a fuss, the second girl eagerly going to take a bump with the brunette. I slip out the door while they’re not looking, making sure I have everything I came in with. This world I live in, it’s sometimes a great big mess.

**To be continued…**


	7. Chapter 7

Song[s]: "Dear Cocaine" by Crossfade

Kyo’s POV

Maybe this is the hardest part of all. I’ve been up on my high-horse of drugs for a little over three months now. Today, I realized how much I’ve been spending on the habit and how much I’ve been neglecting everything else in my life. My sister called and she said it’s been two months since I talked to her. I took a step back and looked at my life. It’s falling apart in my hands and I don’t know how to really feel about that other than a bit upset.

I’ve let what was supposed to be a creative outlet turn into something that’s slowly pulling the rug out from under my feet. I’ll have nothing left to stand on if I keep this up much longer. Though, thankfully, at least Die had us all create those accounts we can’t touch long ago. There’s still something I can’t ruin, no matter how hard I might try.

I came home from the studio tonight and I took the last bit of opium from the little drawer, lit it up, and had a little ‘this is over’ party in my bedroom. That’s it. I won’t buy any more and this is it.

Now I’m standing here staring at my kitchen table. There’s a pile of mail that’s rather ungodly here and I’m staring at some of the bills on top. My electric is on a final notice and apparently the gas was shut off last week. I never even noticed because I haven’t been eating right this entire time. I didn’t even realize how deep I’d gotten in until just now and it’s like a slap on the face.

The problem is… I don’t know where I’ll get the money for the bills. I don’t know how I’ll explain this one away and ask someone for the cash to put up on it. I’ve blown my savings on this habit… not that it was much in the first place, I always put ninety percent of what I earn right into the account I can’t touch. I’ve never needed much more than that to live off of on a month-to-month basis. I’ve seriously fucked this one up.

I manage to get myself to sit down and sort through the entire stack of mail, pulling out the bills I need to pay, putting them aside and ripping up the old notices when I find the newer bill with the total amount on it. All the junk mail goes in the recycle bin. It takes me a little over two hours to get through it all and when I finally get all the bills written out on a piece of paper, I realize I owe a little over 250,000 yen between rent, all the utilities, my tv, internet, and credit cards. I call my bank to see what’s left in my account and I have maybe half of that. So I write up the ones that are going to be turned off first and stick the stamps and address labels on them, walk them down to the mailbox and pick up the next batch of mail. At least this one only has personal shit in it, no more bills.

I end up back in my bedroom, looking around and debating the things I can sell to get the money I need to pay the rest. I can’t beg anyone around me for money because if I do, then they’ll know something’s wrong and that’s the last thing I need. I have to do this by myself. I can kick the habit and get my life back in line. It’s only been three months. No one has ever slid down the slope to hell in three short months.

I finally pick out a few paintings, my stereo system, and a few choice pieces of jewelry to pawn off, pack it all up in a huge duffel bag and head down the street to the pawn shop. At least it’s open all hours of the night, just for people like me. I know how it’s going to look… but at least someone will know the truth of the matter, one person I don’t have to lie to in my life.

The pawn broker doesn’t even bat an eyelash at me, he just gives me the cash and I turn it all over into money orders for the bills I owe before I even leave the store. I’m not going to take a chance on getting that money home and not using it for what I need it for. Just another thing that tells me that I’m safe; that I’m still thinking straight. Addicts don’t do that, they just think about the drug and nothing else. I get home and write up the rest of the bills, taking the whole lot down to shove in the mailbox.

With that sorted out, I manage to get in bed at a reasonable hour. I’m exhausted, mentally and emotionally. And if there’s one thing I already know, it’s that this next week is going to hurt.

**To be continued…**


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: "The Noose" by A Perfect Circle

Kyo’s POV

Maybe I was lying to myself, thinking I could just cut out my inspiration like that. I felt so empty inside once I stopped. Ironic given that nothing’s ever made me feel more empty than opium. But I guess that’s just how life moves along. We leave on tour in the morning and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. The withdrawals were hell anyway, physically sick and emotionally… worse than I usually am. Someone told me to use mood stabilizers to counter it, but that would mean I’d have to go to a doctor and then someone would know I’ve been using. Talk about the end of my career… of _our_ careers. I can’t do that to the others, can’t ruin their lives just because I’ve fucked my own like this.

I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that I’m back on it again, hitting the pipe with a vengeance. I’ve used twice today alone and that’s more than I ever used to. But it just feels so damn good, so freeing. The world doesn’t matter when I’m gone. It’s going to be hell trying to keep this up on the road though. It’s not like I can seek out dealers in a foreign country when I can’t even speak the fucking language. Maybe I can get a script for oxy or something. At least keep it all at bay until I’m home and can deal with it.

\-----

Ended up with that script through my supplier that knew a guy who knew a guy… or something like that. It’s complicated. Pulled all the bottles I’ll need for the tour. Two for oxycodone and one for dilaudid. The second we passed off as needing it for my voice, the other is because I supposedly got in a car accident and fucked up my neck. Right… god, now I feel like a complete psychopath. I’m lying to get my habit past airport security. This isn’t going to look pretty. Though, who am I kidding? Nothing with me ever has been.

\-----

Well, we made it over here and my drugs came with me just fine. Though I think I gave a security a heart attack with the pills and razor blades in the same case. Ha! Oh well, they’ll get over it, I’m sure they see far weirder things on a daily basis around here.

The first night is always the hardest on the band, so we’ll see how it goes… and how long it takes us all to go fuck ourselves over in our own ways. Die and Toshiya and Kaoru with their alcohol, Shinya with his self-hatred, and me with my newest habit… seeing how well I can manage off just swallowing the pills. I’m not really wanting to resort to what I figure will become incredibly obvious. The plane ride over here already started with the withdrawals, I’m shaking a little and I threw up twice. The guys think I’m starting off the tour with the flu. Just as well, I suppose, it gives me the excuse to take a few pills without anyone thinking anything of it.

Who is this man that I’ve become? What is this road that I travel? How long is it until I fall? I guess time will show me all of it.

**To be continued…**


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: “Taion” by the GazettE

Die’s POV

We’re six days on the road and already I know I’m sinking into old habits. The booze has gone back to a nightly thing. One day my liver will kill me. On the plus side, at least I’m not doing it to drown in my own sorrows. This time it’s because we’re all running on the most incredible tide we’ve ever followed. I’ve been spot on every single night, Kyo’s doing crazier and crazier shit on stage, and really none of us are fucking this one up. It’s glorious; all of us at tip-top perfection.

I’m a little surprised, but everyone came out tonight for the after-party. We took the top floor of this real prestigious club and made it ours. Only people allowed in are those that have no idea who we are. It’s always so hard to slip away from the fans, but we found an almost foolproof way. The guy at the door is chatting up people in line as quietly as possible. Once he’s established that they have no idea who we are, then he lets them in and sends them up the stairs. Anyone who seems to even vaguely know us ends up downstairs in the normal club. Perfect.

I’m sitting here, nursing my fourth beer. No point in getting completely bombed when I have so many people to just talk to. Bullshit around and nothing more, no music talk, no pretense.

This tall chick with red hair like I used to have slips into the seat beside me and flags the waitress down, ordering us a round on her tab. Assumptions, but hey, free beer. We talk for a while and I find it a little odd she hasn’t tried to get in my pants yet, especially after that assumption. Eventually, she gets up and wanders off to the little lady’s room. I watch her stop and talk to someone at the door and then slip inside.

The guy she’d chatted up comes to my table and goes to shake my hand. Inside my palm he presses a little tiny envelope and tells me, “From the pretty lady, take it and find her in the bathroom.”

I arch my eyebrow and take the envelope, watching him walk off. Once he’s gone and I’m sure no one’s spying on me, I open it up and pour the contents out. There’s a single tablet inside, yellow with the friggin’ batman logo stamped into it. I don’t even have to think about it to know what it is. I’ve been offered it before and turned it down simply because I was already wasted when it was offered.

I think about it for a few moments and then decide that if I’m going to do it, it may as well be tonight since there’s no show tomorrow, just a bus ride from hell. I toss the pill in my mouth and wash it down with the rest of my beer. I write a quick note on my phone and put it on my home screen, just in case. I’ve heard you can die off the first time or something like that and that if they know what you took, they can save you. Better safe than sorry.

I sit there, just waiting on this shit to kick in and just when I start to feel a little warm and my stomach starts to feel a bit odd, Rick comes by the table and tells me we’re leaving. Well… so much for the girl in the bathroom, I suppose.

We all pile on the bus and even after we’ve pulled out, I just can’t stop pacing back and forth. Walking around feels better than sitting; sitting feels like I want to rip my insides out. It takes me about ten minutes before I realize Kyo’s been watching me the entire time. He gives me this little half smirk and then asks, “Gonna wear a hole in the rug?”

I plop down next to him and decide that I’m not going to move again unless I feel like I’m going to vomit. “Just… antsy.” He shrugs like he doesn’t believe me and maybe he has every right to. I mean, it’s not exactly a secret that I’ll try anything coming and going… and when I think about it, he was across the way from me back in the club. Maybe he saw me take the pill.

I start to fiddle with the bracelet on my arm, rolling the little black beads in place over and over, chewing my lip the entire time. Kyo’s hand on my thigh startles me and I let out a shocked sound. He just gives me a perplexed look before being a snarky bastard. “Die, I touched your leg, not gave you a fucking handjob.”

It takes me a minute to realize why he’s said what he has and when I notice it, I don’t even feel embarrassed about it. My dick is so hard it’s tenting up the front of my pants. God… this is why that girl gave this to me, to fuck her brains out in the bathroom. And now here I am, nothing but my hand to satisfy me.

For a moment, I debate going to the bathroom to try to relieve some of this… tension. But another idea starts to grow in my head. Kyo’s not looking disgusted and frankly, I’m aroused as sin. And I’ve always wondered… maybe he’ll give me a taste of the other side. Without really debating on it very long, I just reach over and take a fistful of his hair, holding him in place while I lay one on him real well. At first he’s sort of stiff about it, not responding at all, but then he eases up and kisses me back. Maybe he realizes I’m not giving up or maybe he just had to get past his own barriers for this. Who knows.

The more he kisses me, the more I want. His tongue feels like heaven and the moment his hand lands on my side, I want to fuck the hell out of him. But I’m also not stupid, I know quite well that I’m not going to get that far. I’ll be lucky if I can pawn a blowjob out of this.

My hands are all over him and I swear I can feel a difference in his skin where he’s tattooed and where he isn’t. His shirt comes off first and then mine. Soon enough, I’m on the floor on my knees, yanking his pants open. His belt buckle jingles and I feel like I’ve found heaven as I open his pants and see his erect cock for the first time. All I can think is how right everyone’s always been. The fans talk about it, the crew jokes about it… but damned if they aren’t all one hundred percent right. He’s perfect; every man’s dream cock. Thick and just long enough, nothing strange about it, no odd curves or strange bulbous spots. Nope, just perfection in a thick, heated shaft of pure and utter pleasure.

Before I can even think about it, I’ve got his dick in my mouth, needing to know what he tastes like. He tastes of sweat, but that’s not the point anymore. The feeling of his cock sliding in and out of my mouth is the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt. The sensation is amazing and I just can’t stop doing it. He’s groaning and cursing low under his breath, letting me know I’m doing a good job.

I take my own cock out and start to jerk off. It’s the oddest thing, I always know what turns me on, what gets me off the best. But tonight, none of that works. It’s the slow, tight touches that are the best, just long strokes that seem to go on forever.

He cums in my mouth without so much as a warning, just a low grunt and then liquid hitting the back of my throat. I don’t taste anything, but the feeling of his cock pulsing on my tongue is enough to make me crazy. I pull up off his cock and crawl up on his lap, straddling him as I shove his hand on my cock and kiss him like I need him to breathe.

I’m done in under a minute, painting his chest white. He rubs my dick in it for a little while and I just enjoy it as things start to calm down inside me. Vaguely I wonder… will I regret this tomorrow?

**To be continued…**


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: “Don’t Jump” by Tokio Hotel

Die’s POV

I’m laying here in my bunk contemplating on what I did last night. I looked up the possible come-down effects of being on MDMA. Thank the gods that I haven’t had any of them yet. My mouth is a bit dry, but that’s about it. I read that I could have ended up in a corner, crying my eyes out and feeling like the entire world was crushing my soul. That doesn’t sound like a good way to spend the entire next day.

Well, I’ve had my one go on it, so now we’re done. There’s very little left out there for me to experiment with that’s considered mainstream. I guess that’s just as well. I’ll go back to my bottle and the pot when Boss offers it to me back home. Sometimes I wonder how others would feel if they knew I did things like this. Would I fall off the pedestals they have me on or would I be their hero for trying it once and leaving it behind?

Kaoru always tells me it shouldn’t matter how someone else would see me, it’s all about how I see myself in the mirror each day. But I’ve never been wired like that. I’ve always cared what others think of me and how I look to them. Maybe it’s why I hide everything and only give them the bright side of my life when they ask. I don’t want to disappoint anyone… or worse, make them mad.

The sound of someone throwing up jolts me from my musings and I wince a little. Best see who it is and make sure it’s a hangover and not the flu. Nora will kill us if someone’s sick like that already. I push myself up from my bunk, sticking my feet in my flip-flops and make my way to the bathroom door, which is ajar. I push it open and lean against the wall, looking down at Kyo on the floor. He’s curled around the toilet like it’s his savior.

“Hey,” I get out before he launches into another round of puking his guts out. I shift over to him and pull his long blonde hair back from his face, just holding it while he empties his stomach. It’s not a pretty sight or a nice smell, not in the least. But I endure it because the others have been there for me so often when I’m miserable in the mornings.

Once he finishes I flush it away and pick up the bottle of water he’s laid on the counter, opening it and offering it to him. He uses it to rinse his mouth and then flops back against the wall. Something glints in the light from the small window as he shoves it under his thigh, his head lolling to the side to look at me. He looks out of it and I wonder for a moment if I wasn’t the only one experimenting last night. “Are you okay?”

He just nods at me and then closes his eyes, wiping the back of his hand over his forehead. “Sick or…. Uh… hangover?” I don’t know how to ask if he’s using something and it’s making him react like this without putting the proverbial pink elephant in the middle of the bathroom with us. He purses his lips a little and then replies, his voice shaky, “Not the flu.”

Well… that answers it, I suppose. I look him over again and take in the scent of his clothing. He doesn’t smell like booze, so it must be drugs of some kind. I offer the only advice I know how to give without knowing what he’s doing. “Drink plenty of water and let me know if you need me.” I study him for a moment and then tack on quietly, “For _anything_.”

He nods again and I make a mental note to make damn sure he’s okay every fifteen minutes until this is over. If it’s making him throw up, I’m not sure I want to know what he’s taking, but it can’t possibly be good for him. Then again, I have no right to talk, having taken a drug that could have killed me in one go last night, with barely any hesitation. Is this what we’ve become? Is this what America does to us? Maybe we were better off at home if it is. We’re acting like the bands we used to hear about from the 80’s, always into drugs and women and walking the road to killing themselves in the most painful way possible.

If this is who we are, then we have truly fallen.

**To be continued…**


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: "Monster” by BigBang

Kyo’s POV

I’m not entirely certain what’s possessed me to do this, but I feel so incredibly sick right now. Last night before we left the club, I scored a little something on the side. The guy told me how to prep it and the various ways I can use it. He says it’s like opium when the high gets going. He didn’t have what I actually wanted, but beggars can’t be choosers, right?

So here I am, in the bathroom on our bus, using the needle he gave me. It’s new and still in the package, which makes me happy, because otherwise I’d be terrified. I use the tiny paper cup he gave me and add some water and the white powder, stir it with my finger. Then I pull it into the syringe and debate which place to do this in. It’d be least obvious in my foot, I guess. It’s a vein and so it’ll have to work. I shift a little and push my flip-flops off to the side, finding a vein in my foot and turning the needle upside down, pushing until a drop runs out of the tip. No air, he said no air or I could die.

I shift a little and push the needle into the vein in my foot, wincing in pain. I pull back the plunger a little and watch. No blood. Try again. I have to do it three more times before I get blood. Finally, I push the plunger down and inject myself with the fluid. I pull the needle out and toss in on the floor next to my leg, rubbing at my foot a little.

It doesn’t take long before I feel euphoric. It’s the most brilliant high in the world, everything pure and perfect. For about thirty seconds. And then I feel like I’m going to hurl. I lean forward in just enough time, throwing up in the toilet. The process repeats itself a few times before I hear the door moving. But I can’t let go of the toilet. The bus is moving and if I do, I’ll probably puke in the floor. Hands touch my hair and vaguely I hear some words, but I don’t focus on it at all.

I throw up a few more times and then slump back against the wall. I see Die in my field of vision, reaching to flush the toilet. He offers me my water bottle and I take it, rinsing the vile taste from my mouth before letting it sit between my legs in the floor. The light from the window catches on the metal of the needle and I quickly shove it under my leg. No point in telling Die I’m using, he’d just worry himself stupid and that’s hardly the point.

I turn my head to look at him, wondering what’s going through his head. He looks concerned, maybe a little sad. And then he asks if it’s the flu or a hangover. My lips form a thin line as I debate my answer. Maybe he’ll take it as me having to throw up again. Finally, I answer that it’s not the flu. He leans toward me a little and I find myself ignoring him in favor of that euphoric feeling floating back through my body. My heart beats rapidly and I find myself happier than I’ve ever been. I focus on that and completely miss his words, though I nod to make him go away.

He does and I sit there, riding it out for a minute or so, feeling on top of the entire fucking world. But it doesn’t last, I come down hard and fast and find myself wishing I’d bought more from the guy last night. He warned me it’d be a fast high, but I had no idea he meant minutes not hours. For the price, you’d think it would give you something better than this. Opium is cheaper and it lasts longer.

I breathe out a little sigh and just close my eyes, allowing life to sort of blur out of focus in my mind. Maybe I can find that place anyway, that place that gives me so much inspiration and pleasure. 

**To be continued…**


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: “Wasteland” by 10 Years

Die’s POV

The music is so loud it hurts my ears. Ironic, given the fact that I’m a musician. But I suppose that’s just how getting old goes, now I’m on the grumpy old man side of the fence… or something like that. We’ve all come out to a club again and tonight, Nora asked me to keep a close tab on Kyo. I think she suspects what I do and she’s trying to at least keep him on the path I am if nothing else. Or maybe she just knows how my mind works. Save everyone else and then consider myself.

Either way, it’s been a hell of a job, keeping up with him. You’d think it would be easy, given he’s usually sitting in one place all night. But I keep finding him moving around, actually talking to some people. We should be proud of him, being social like this. Except… that it bothers me on a level I can’t quite grasp. _Why_ is he talking to these people? What’s making him crawl out of his hole and talk to someone other than the band and the very, very rare fan?

This time when he gets up and wanders off into the private room section of the club, I actually make damn sure to follow him all the way. He disappears around the corner and I hear the jingle of the beads on the door. I turn the corner and hesitate for a moment. I hear a soft murmur of voices, but not the words themselves. There’s a snapping sound and I wonder if he’s getting it on with someone. Maybe he’s just hard-up and wants to fuck. Can’t blame a man for that.

But, still, it’s my place to see what’s going on. If he is, then I’ll apologize and back out of the room quick-like. It’s easy, simple, and will tell me what’s going on so we can set Nora at ease. I push the beads aside and step into the room.

The sight that greets me isn’t at all what I had expected. Kyo’s sitting on a sofa and there’s this seedy looking dude next to him. He’s got his shoe off and he’s got a needle positioned over his foot. His eyes snap up to mine and I see fear reflected in them. I take a quick stock of the room and figure out real quick that he’s shooting up a drug, maybe heroin from the setup the other guy’s got going. He’s injecting into his arm already, but he looks strung out like this isn’t his first game tonight.

I make my way across the room and sit down next to Kyo, my hand going to his knee. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, I know he knows what I did the other night… what I’ve done in the past. So finally, I settle on a question I know makes the most sense. “Is it a new needle?”

He breathes out what I think is a sigh of relief and he nods, gesturing to the packaging on the table. “Just opened it.”

“Good.” I sit with him, my hand idly stroking at his leg. I don’t know how to feel about this, not in the least. It’s making me nervous and I don’t like the fact that it’s heroin in the least. It’s the drug I’ve always been told to stay away from and here he is, using it in the back of this club. He shifts forward again and sinks the needle into his foot. Blood wells up in the solution and then he injects the whole thing with a groan. Fear wells up in my chest and I shift in my seat uncomfortably. Why is he doing this? What is he running from this time?

He pulls the needle out and tosses it in the garbage, pulling his sock back on and then lifting my hand to his hair. “Hold it,” he mutters, words all jumbled and slurred. I do as he asks and a few seconds later, he’s throwing up in the trash can. I just stare at him in pure horror. It hits me hard from the other morning, what he hid under his leg, his bare feet, the water bottle on the counter with barely any missing from it. I can barely hold it together, my lips pressing into a thin line to not say what I’m thinking, my eyes closing to prevent the tears that I know are forming from falling down my face.

He throws up for what feels like forever before he finally spits in the trash can and then leans back on the sofa. I finally look at him again and the look in his eyes is the same as it was in the bathroom. Only he looks more gone now than he did then. I sit there because I don’t want to leave him. After a minute, I glance at the other man in the room. “Get out.” He looks at me and arches an eyebrow. “Get out.” This time, my voice is more forceful. “Take your shit with you and get out.”

He gathers up his rigs and everything else and shoves it in his bag before he slips out of the room, the beads falling back into place. I nudge Kyo over a little and curl up on the sofa next to him, pushing sweaty hair back from his face while he just lays there like he’s gone somewhere else entirely inside his mind. Almost an hour passes before he takes my hand and pushes it against the front of his jeans. He’s hard and I’m not all that certain how I feel about it.

His head lolls to the side and he stares at me for a moment before he mutters out, “Did you know it makes it so you can barely cum? Better than Viagra for that… just so long as you can get it up.”

My fingers tuck his hair behind his ear and I sigh softly. “It’s not worth it.”

He just laughs, closing his eyes again, hand still pressing mine to his dick. It’s obvious what he wants me to do, but I’m not sure I want to with him strung out like this. In my mind somewhere it’s like taking advantage of him and I’m not at all okay with that. Eventually, I settle on what I can do and open his pants, taking him out of his briefs, and I press his own hand around his cock. “Stroke it for me.”

He starts jacking off, making some pretty amazing sounds along the way. But I avert my eyes and do my best not to get hard from what he’s doing, not wanting to violate my own policies in my head. After a while, he stops and I can hear the jingle of his belt as he closes his pants up. When I finally look, his dick is still tenting his pants and it’s pretty obvious he’s just given up on the whole idea of getting off.

“Will you go back to the bus with me?” I ask him, praying he’ll just agree and that we can get out of this place before he fucks up his life any more than he already has.

He nods and stands up. I push the wastebasket to the side and make him put his foot back in his shoe, even though it won’t be tied. He does so and then we make our way out of the room and out the side door to the bus. I get him inside and then stay outside for a smoke, needing it to calm my nerves at this point.

Nora comes out eventually and she looks at me and I just stare back at her. She asks where I found him and I just frown. Her hand is warm on my arm and I feel like I’m going to start crying, my hand trembling as I lift the cigarette to my lips. She frowns and I lean into her touch as she hugs me, telling me it’ll all be okay. But will it? Or is this a hopeless spiral I cannot stop?

**To be continued…**


	13. Chapter 13

Kyo’s POV

Nora came and had a talk with me. She got the impression I was using from someone… I have one guess as to who that was. It’s sort of odd. I’m not actually mad at Die for it. Maybe I was just biding my time until someone fully caught me, I’m not sure. But in any case, Nora and Rick both searched all my luggage and clothing. They damn near tore the bus apart on our day off, sending us all into a coffee shop before doing it. Everyone looked confused except me and Die. I’m glad he didn’t tell the others. That’s not something I want to share with every single person I have to deal with day in and day out.

Rick looks resigned, Nora looks pissed, and Die looks upset. Me… I’m just me. I don’t really give a shit. But I know I’m banned from going out again. It’s funny, they always try to get me out, then I go and they ban me from it. But I suppose it’s like a child being grounded from bad behavior. And mine’s been the worst of the worst.

Minutes slip past and finally we all load back on the bus. It’s been six hours since my last ‘fix’ and I’m already feeling the adverse effects of it. I feel heavy all over, tired but it’s not likely that I’ll sleep because I’m also restless. My eyes itch and my foot keeps tingling, telling me I could have had the rest of what was left if they hadn’t found it.

I know it’s foolish, but I check once everyone’s settled in. I check where I’d put it and it’s gone and then I check the trash cans. Nothing. I’d check Nora’s purse, but she’s never been like that to me and I see no reason to be like that to her. She’d give her life for me and I know it. To violate her like that would be unforgivable.

The minutes turn into hours and I find myself in the bathroom once again. This time it’s like hell has moved into my body and I’m trying to exorcise it out both ends. I’m thankful there’s a waste basket in here or else we’d have to hose this place out. Every once in a while, I can hear a soft knock on the door and Die’s voice calling my name. I just groan at him and he goes away. I guess he’s checking to see if I’m still alive.

It goes on and on until I finally feel like I’m going to pass out. I crawl in the tiny shower and turn it on, sitting there , curled up in the corner so I won’t fall over. It isn’t long before I black out.

When I come to again, it’s dark outside and the bathroom smells like air freshener. Obviously someone got in and cleaned it up. My clothing is missing from the floor, but that’s okay because it was a fucking mess anyway. I test the waters by standing up. Nothing wants to come out, so I quickly shower, finding myself a disgusting mess.

With that done, I just sit back down on the floor of the stall, a towel around me. I’m not going to leave this room right now. Not until I hear no one moving around outside the door. When the voices are gone and the shuffling feet have stopped, I will leave. Until then, this is my shelter.

A few more hours pass and finally everyone has quieted down. I get up and wash my mouth out with the tiny bottle of mouthwash by the sink before coming out. No one is around and I just crawl into my bunk, not bothering with clothing. I find my wallet and phone next to my pillow. Someone was at least nice enough to give me my stuff back and not wash it all.

The hours slip by and I can’t sleep at all. Not a damn minute. When I close my eyes the walls come in toward me, threatening to crush me to pieces. When I open them, the darkness assaults me, laughing at me and how pathetic I’ve become. It’s choking me, settling on me like a wet blanket, trying to smother me like a mother would crush the life from a newborn child she couldn’t stand.

Slowly my mood slides down a slippery and familiar slope. I feel like I’m removed from the situation, sitting just outside the glass in a hospital, watching a patient react to the situation at hand. Even when I open my wallet and pull out an old friend, I don’t quite feel like it’s me doing it. The slide of it across the pads of my fingers is like heaven, sparks of awareness coming to me, even outside this shell I’ve created. My breath jumps into my throat and I feel more alive than ever before.

I spread my thighs and slide one hand down over the smooth skin, finding where I want to do this. It takes me a moment and then the scent of blood strikes me, harsh and full in this little hole I’m in. My hand moves of its own accord, my skin giving way in the most delicious of ways. Both thighs find the same treatment until my sheets under me are soaked. At long last, I give up on it all, the razor sliding from my fingers, my head lolling back. I feel light-headed and that’s fine with me. Wouldn’t it be fitting for it to end here? Just like this? Alone in a bus full of people. 

Maybe tonight I’ll get an old wish to come true.

**To be continued…**


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: "-mushi-” by Dir en grey

Die’s POV

Kyo’s starting to worry me. He’s been acting so incredibly out of sorts for him. He smiles and it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He laughs and it’s like listening to a bunch of bolts rattle around in a washing machine. He frowns and it’s even worse, like a false image of an emotion he once had. But I don’t know how to tell him it’s bothering me either. It’s not like I can just walk up to him and be like dude… your emotions are fucked up, what gives? That’s just not how it works.

And knowing he’s using makes it all that much worse. We had Nora and Rick throw everything out. Kaoru got caught with some weed and he’s pissed beyond belief. I guess they had to make it look even, searching everyone’s stuff. Toshiya came to me while Kyo was throwing up in the bathroom and confessed that his porno mags are gone. That’s a bit far for me, but maybe they weren’t the appropriate type. Or maybe Nora got tired of hearing him jack off every night right above her bunk.

I don’t know what they found in my shit, I haven’t even checked. I figure if anything’s gone, it’s my condoms and maybe the bottle of Jack from the fridge. I don’t really have anything else they’d think worthy of throwing away right now. Shinya’s the only one who seems calm about all of this. I guess he’s the angel… that or else he doesn’t want to admit to what he’s missing.

The hours crawl by and Kyo doesn’t come out of his bunk. Usually, he’s the first one up. I stayed up all night, waiting on him to wake up so I could see how he was feeling. He never noticed me when he crawled into his bunk last night, walking right past me to get to it. I read a little on coming down from heroin and I’m not surprised he was in the bathroom that long, though I am surprised he’s sleeping at all.

The others all get up and make more noise than a friggin’ train coming through the bus and still he doesn’t come out. Not even a ruffle of the curtain to imply he’s awake. Slowly, worry starts to seep into me and I tell the other’s to just order Kyo and I something from inside, waiting until they’re gone, and then going to his bunk.

I say his name a few times and he doesn’t even reply. I listen and I don’t hear his little snores that he makes when he’s out real good. I take a deep breath and prepare to get punched in the fucking face for waking him up, and draw back the curtain. The first thing that hits me is the smell. It’s rotten and dead, and my stomach rolls. I catch my breath and my eyes take in the sight before me. Kyo’s lying in a puddle of his own blood, his thighs marked with so many cuts I can’t even begin to count them all.

Panic slips through my body and I watch him very carefully for a moment. He doesn’t look grey or anything and after a moment, I see his chest rise and fall as he breathes. It means he’s at least still alive and I can’t help the sob of relief that leaves my mouth at that. I yank my shirt off and toss it aside before reaching in and trying to shake him awake. He still doesn’t respond and I don’t know how I manage to get myself to react, but I do. I grab him and roll him out into my arms, carrying him into the bathroom. Kneeling in the shower, I grab the sprayer and turn it on freezing cold. I move it over his body and he jolts awake with a scream as the water hits the cuts on his thighs.

I use one hand to shove him back down and rinse him off. He struggles with me the entire time, screaming and hitting at me until I’m done and turn it off. I stand up and my pants are dripping wet from his flailing, but I could give a shit. I pick up the nearest thing to me – his water bottle from the other night and hurl it into the shower with him. “You fucking prick! You scared the shit out of me!”

He calms down almost immediately, just sitting there, seething as pink water drains away from his body across the white tiles. 

There’s tears still rolling down my face and I know I’m shaking like a goddamn leaf. Everything’s welling up inside me and I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I back up until I hit the wall and I press myself to it as if it is a pillar of strength. “Oh god…” I can feel my knees giving out and when I hit the floor, it’s harder than I ever remember it being. Maybe it’s being sober and falling on the floor that hurts so much. Or maybe it’s the pain in my heart that’s making it so bad. “Oh my fucking god…” it’s all I can get out, no matter how hard I try to let something else out, this is all that comes.

We sit there for what feels like an eternity, regarding one another across the room. Finally, he stands up and moves along the wall toward me. He pauses by the door and murmurs softly, “We should get dressed… change my bed.”

I can feel the walls snapping down into place around me. Fix things up, pretend it’s all okay, tell someone higher than me when I get a chance and maybe things will work out for the best. I wipe my face and follow him out. He takes care of the sheets while I hold a bag for them to go into. We mop the mess off the mattress pad and then put on the spare set of sheets. He dresses and I change from my sopping wet pants. My phone’s got water in it and I’m thankful it was off. I put it on the counter in three pieces to let it dry, hoping that’ll be enough tomorrow when I try to turn it on again.

He sits down on the couch and I sit next to him, my hand on his thigh, and I’m reminded of the other night. Why can’t things go back to being that simple? I close my eyes and I vow to never take another drug in my entire life. I’ll even swear off pot. I don’t want to turn into this mess that Kyo has become.

Warm fingers curl around mine and I don’t even try to stop the warm tears that spill down into my hair, my face tilted toward the roof of the bus. He doesn’t say anything and I simply can’t. How do you tell your close friend and bandmate that they scared you so badly that you felt like everything was shattering in front of your own eyes? How do you tell them that it had nothing to do with your career and everything to do with your heart?

**To be continued…**


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: "Love in the Ice [Live]” by DBSK

Die’s POV

I still haven’t found a solution to this whole mess. It’s been three days and I’ve been keeping my eye on Kyo like a mother would watch her child. Maybe even worse than that. I’m sure he’s pissed off by now, annoyed with the constant attention. But truthfully, it’s the only way I can keep myself from having a nervous breakdown.

Last night, we came off stage and he disappeared before I left. I couldn’t find him for near ten minutes and I was freaking out something awful. Finally someone said they’d seen him go back to the bus, so I pretty much bolted there without even thinking. I know I looked stupid, rushing across the street to the bus and then flying into it like something was chasing me. I know he certainly didn’t look happy to see me, sitting there stark fucking naked, changing out some bandages on the wounds he’d made the other night. To make it all worse, his dick was still hard from the show and I just stood there like a goddamn idiot.

Part of me has come to realize it’s at least somewhat because I was so aroused from being with him and now… well… I’ve admitted a few things to myself about my heart. My reaction to him when I thought he was dead, how angry I was… it wasn’t all just friendship. It’s a hell of a harder road than that, for sure. But I also know I’m not ready to lay my cards on the table completely. I’ll do it if it benefits us somehow, but I believe in a natural progression of things.

So that pretty much left me with getting my ass back out of there. I ended up in the bathroom for a few minutes until I heard him moving around and only then did I venture back out. He was already lying down to go to sleep and I just let him, not saying a word. He let me do the usual pat down of his bunk and then I let him be.

Tonight, though, he’s making me nervous again. Mostly it’s because he can’t stop shaking. He was fine for the duration of the show, just little tremors. But now he’s sitting here beside me on the plane back home and he’s full on shaking like he’s sitting outside in December without a coat. He’s warm to the touch, but not feverish so I can only assume it’s a side effect, and it bugs the shit out of me that he’s getting the brutal end of this, though I suppose maybe that’s better. It’ll teach him not to do it again… maybe.

But I can’t let go of the feeling that something could go wrong, that he could relapse at any minute. I mean… he tried to hide in it once, why not try again? There’s nothing preventing him from doing it besides my constant watch. And once we get home, I can’t very well implant myself into his life and home like that.

I look over at him and he’s obviously trying to sleep, his eyes closed and his lips pursed like he does when he’s having issues nodding off. I push up the arm rest from between us and slip my arm around his lower back, pulling him closer to me. It’s dark up here in first class, just us and the crew, no one we need to hide from. And I can do this for him if it helps. He’s never been one to push away something that helps along what he needs.

True to his nature, he turns into my hold and tucks his arms up between us, curling up closer to me. It seems to calm the shaking a little; maybe his body can’t regulate its own temperature right now or something. He relaxes and eventually goes lax in my arms, telling me he’s fallen asleep. I stroke his hair back from out of his face and just watch him for a while. We’re only a few hours away from home and I know I won’t get any rest on the plane anyway. 

The hours slip by like a haze, Kyo remaining still in my arms the entire time. Even when we are required to sit up for landing, he doesn’t budge. I just buckle us in and slip the seats up, holding him closer to me so he doesn’t plunk off on the floor somehow. When we land, he snaps out of it with a gasp and pulls himself away from me. He doesn’t say anything, but for now, he’s not shaking. It’s an improvement to say the least.

We get to the gate and we all unbuckle and pick up our stuff. No one’s leaving their seats just yet and I put my hand on his shoulder. He looks back at me and I finally just breathe out what I’ve been thinking all along. “I’ll go to rehab for alcohol if you go for this. Please… we’ll go in together. Same amount of time. Somewhere private so no one knows.”

Much to my own surprise, he just looks at me for a long moment and then nods. It’s a single bob of his head before he looks away, hitching his bag back up on his shoulder. He reaches back for my arm and squeezes it. “Come to my place and take out the… trash. I’ll do the same at yours.”

The stewardess opens the door and announces we can now leave. We shuffle out into the middle of the others, never letting Kyo go first or last, given the tendency rabid fans have to try to attack him for whatever reason. Even as we make our way through the airport, I think to myself how lucky I am that he’s realized he needs this help. I just hope I don’t let him down with my own problems. I know he’s already turned me off recreational drug use, but the alcohol’s going to be the hardest part.

But with him at my side, I feel like I could take on the world.

**To be continued…**


	16. Chapter 16

Die’s POV

It’s been a little over three months since we walked off that plane and back onto Japanese soil, and just slightly under two months since we walked in the doors of our separate rehab facilities. There wasn’t one that would keep us together, given that most places seem to blame “relationships” for the issues someone has with drugs.

But after the first week, they seemed to realize the value of allowing Kyo and I to communicate. We were allowed very specific times with our cell phones and usually ended up trading lengthy texts or voicemails rather than actually talking to one another. I patched up a few sour relationships on my own end and I guess Kyo ended up talking to his mother for the first time in years. So I guess more came of all of this than just getting off the booze and drugs.

Looking back on it now, the first few days were the worst for me. Coming back post-tour and giving up alcohol out of nowhere, I just wanted a fucking drink to sleep. I couldn’t even begin to sleep for at least eight days straight. I kept passing out rather than sleeping and they kept testing me for other drugs, seeing if I was sneaking things. I had to finally get our tour medical consultant to explain I’ve always had problems sleeping and that I refuse to take pills for it before they left me alone.

Eventually, they got me into a healthy relationship with my body that allows me to sleep at night. I have to sit down and meditate with my headphones in and some soothing chakra realigning music going in them at low volume for at least ten minutes. And if my body dictates it, then I allow myself some more… physical relief. I put on the short chakra mp3 and then lie down, close my eyes, and focus on breathing. It didn’t work at first, but once I convinced myself it was better than passing out, I found I let it work for me. Now it’s an easy thirty minutes until sleep overwhelms me.

For Kyo, I’ve noticed he doesn’t just automatically try to go sleep something off when he’s moody, instead he comes to sit down by me and patiently waits on me to be done with something before just blurting out whatever’s bothering him. I guess that was his major issue they tried to work on, to help him feel more stable from day-to-day without the use of chemicals to try to fix it.

Today we’ve held our first concert since we got out of rehab. I know my nerves were up in a bind, because while the band knows where we went, they also aren’t going to change themselves. We asked them not to. It’s not them with the problems, so why should they be punished?

I was so afraid when I came off that stage, afraid of what I’d find and what I’d not be able to deny. But the moment I was offered a beer by an ignorant staff member, I just shook my head and walked away. It was so much easier, thinking of how much healthier I’ve felt since I got off the booze. And denial didn’t hurt the way I’d thought it would.

The others went off to an after-party, but Kyo stayed behind, not rushing off like he used to. We left together, sharing a cab in which he never once told his address to the cabbie. When we arrived at my place, I half expected him to tell me goodnight, but instead, he reached and lightly touched his fingertips to my arm, a plea written on his face though the words were never spoken. And I simply paid and quietly invited him up to my apartment.

And now, here we are, alone in this house, the light coming in dim from the other room. He looks beautiful like this, his eyes full of wonder, and his body all masculine angles and delicious muscle. We wasted no time at all in getting to the point of why we’d come to this point. I’m reminded of a few of the texts he sent me while we were locked away from everyone else, the underlying plea and the way he’s looked at me since we got back.

His body moves over mine, the light catching the thin sheen of sweat on his skin as he arches his back and lets out a tiny little gasp. He clenches around me and I can’t help but reach up, running my fingers over his chest and abdomen, feeling everything about him. He rocks on my lap as my hand slides down over his arousal, grasping him and slowly stroking him in time to his movements.

It’s so much clearer like this… something memorable rather than just another fuck. Being clean and allowing myself the feeling of sex this way, it’s glorious and it makes me wonder why I ever thought I needed to be drunk to enjoy it. It’s what I’ve always been searching for; the emotional and the physical all wrapped into one.

His body strains over mine and finally, I can tell he’s losing it. His hands land on my chest and he bows his head, all of his muscles helping to move him as he rides me like he’s a desperate man. The slick sounds of sex fill the room and I savor every second of the noises he’s making for me. Little breathless gasps, heated moans, and finally one sharp cry. The next moment, warmth splatters over my stomach and it sets me off in a way something like that has never done before. I roll him over onto his back and cradle him beneath me as I thrust into him in much the same manner he was just fucking himself on me. It’s only a few more moments before my body tenses and I give a few more jarring thrusts as I cum, my own cry muffled in the skin of his neck.

Slowly, I sink down against him, just lying there, trembling slightly as he enfolds me in his arms. I can feel his heartbeat beneath my hand, synced with my own pounding in my chest. My lips part to say something – anything – that would mean enough in this moment. My heart strains in my chest, calling out to be heard and known. But even as my lips try to form the words, he beats me to it with the most meaningful words I’ve heard in a long, long time.

“You saved me…”

**The End**


End file.
